Yeah...I've got that Candlebox song stuck in my head again. What the hell is it with Kurt? He just won't stop fucking haunting me. For me, I only came to the whole alternative thing after it was over, but still--he was a legend. And he STILL is legendary. His death note fucking haunts you. What the hell--"To Boddah presumed"--What does he mean by his actions?? I guess basically the thing is that every kid fucking everywhere still thinks What the hell did Kurt's life mean? No one can seem to deny him--no one can seem to tell anyone that he was just another guy. Because he wasn't just another guy. He was the voice of a fucking generation...well, maybe he wasn't our voice, just our mouthpiece, maybe he was just a product and no producer, maybe he spoke what everyone spoke, and their was nothing special about his mind--but god, he spoke! He could have led us, he could have done so much, so much, so much. It might not be true, but that's what we all feel. We all feel like if Kurt was alive today, he would march right up to the fucking white house and tell good ol' Mr. Bush that it was all over. All of it. There will be no more of this fucking war this fucking hatred this fucking...revenge!!!! Cause that's what it is; humanity has learned absolutely fucking nothing in over fucking 5 thousand years--indeed, we've regressed!! Now not only do we hate everyone on the outside, but we hate ourselves too! We hate the whole fucking world and most of us just wish it would go away and leave us the fuck alone. And sex, sex which becomes the whole world for so many people...because they ain't got shit left in it. Its their one good thing. Everyone who only has one fucking good thing because they killed everything else one by one by one by one by one. I guess the thing about Kurt is that his very presence is startling to a lot of people. How can a rock star really be like that? We who watched Kurt kill himself because he thought he had already sold out or something--we ended up watching one by one of our music gods climb back down the ladder and be just like Omar Kyahham--all they could fucking do was go out for a little wine, and not worry too much. But it wasn't that they weren't worrying, they weren't even watching. They didn't even see the voices in the shadows--out there beyond the spotlight who said "the world is still important to me--it's not just a farce". And I'll bet Kurt never spoke to anyone like he spoke to kids. I remember being one of those kids...I hadn't had Geometry yet, I hadn't had Logic yet, I hadn't yet been corrupted by the fucking horrid scientism which wants to reduce the whole word to one unified fucking equation. Talk about people stuck on fucking forms! All we want is one form, we want to bring fucking everything into our fucking jurisdiction--and that's what it is: diction-the voice, juris, of the jury. The panel of judges. They keep wanting to bring our world into an apocalypse, a static--static death--dead, all dead, so they can JUDGE IT...and PRONOUNCE SENTENCE, I refuse to act, so I will judge instead, is what they say--diction, all they can do is speak about. But when you're a kid, well when you're a kid you don't quite have that. I think that that's the last thing to go. It's the last thing to do in order to enter the adult world, you have to stop playing, no more playing! They say, you're an adult now. You have to take responsibility, and what the hell does "responsibility" mean to most adults, all the adults who go around fucking polluting their waters and acquiescing over and over again. What does being responsible mean to such an adult?? All that means is that you've got to place yourself before a panel of judges from Logos to Mythos. It means you have to learn to blame yourself. Well fuck that shit! I refuse to inherit the world! No more! And well, I think we've got this feeling like somehow Kurt didn't go there. Like that stuff all just passed him by. What did he talk about? "Empathy", which "seemed so easy". Well where the fuck is that, Geometry? Where are your mathematics of empathy? It's like for a while Kurt just pushed aside the world and he was beautiful. When you listen to his music, its not even from the 90s, it's always earlier, earlier--is it from then? No, I think it must have been before all that stuff happened. Look at the Candlebox words: maybe we might share in something great. That's how we all felt. But then, all along, I think we knew that just wasn't how it was going to be. I think we knew that we couldn't just brush the leaves aside. I think we knew that the machine had caught up with Kurt, that he wasn't escaping it any more than we were. Yeah, I think we could've guessed the end of that story. Well, the bastard did manage to push the leaves aside, the fucking bastard in the end found out that the world was very horribly real and that it was planning on eating him fucking alive, that's right, it wasn't going to let him die without reasserting itself, but Kurt just said fuck this and he shot his fucking brains out all over the fucking walls. Yeah, in the end even Kurt had to just let the world go, cause he couldn't take it. And person after person saw him give up, and they were just like, "well fuck, in that case I'm done too". And then we didn't just have the body of Kurt, but we had all these bodies in our past, and we can't just look away from that. What the fuck does it mean? We can't fucking help but keep asking that over and over. It's always, always, an "I've had enough". And maybe we're alive today because we just couldn't accept what we saw. We saw the writing on the wall, and we just said, well, lets just wait awhile and see. We'll see how it turns out--it can't be that bad. Well here we are now and we've got a stuffed shirt in the white house, but everyone knows that's nothing new. And now, when we can't ask ourselves "what does it mean?" anymore and we've got to settle for "what did it mean?" Now we're pissed and we're depressed, and there's probably more of us dropping like flies everyday, cause we just can't take it. But then, there's still some of us who say "we'll see how it turns out--it can't be that bad", but we can't really even say it in the same way. We know damn well that if we don't do something about this SOON!!!!!!--then we'll end up with the same fucking shit all over again. And we already know from Kurt--if anyone could have escaped it, he could. But he didn't, and we know that we won't. We can't just go off and live on a farm anymore, and we can't just go off into fucking Canada anymore, and we can't just go live in a middle-class-suburban neighborhood anymore and hope that all we'll have to do is "teach your children well" like the song goes, we already saw that shit. We already saw Kurt--and where was talk of his parents? No, Kurt somehow escaped his parents, he somehow escaped his past, and his present, and he seemed so free, so beautiful. You just didn't know how he did it. And then the future came around and nipped him in the bud. And that fucking hurt. Yeah, Kurt, we could "hear you calling home". And watched you when you were there, but then when you were thrown out on the cold, steel highways, we watched you wake up, and it sucked. We didn't want that. But now we know that we can't just sleep. Now we know that the future's not always in the present. Now we know that we can't even trust the future anymore. Yeah, when we feel it coming--and we do--we know we can't just trust it. We know we can't rest until we've fucking conquered the steel roads. And that's why Kurt's still haunting us. Because we know that it can't just end like that. Not like that. He left us quite a mess to clean up with his brains all splattered against the wall. And seven years after his death, we know we've got to start cleaning up!

To BoddaH presumed

Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously
would rather be an emasculated infantile complain-ee. This note should
be pretty easy to understand.. All the warnings from the punk Rock 101 courses
over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics
involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven
to be very true. I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music
along    with
sitting and writing for too many years now. I feel guilty beyond words these things,
for example when we're backstage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowd
begins. It doesn't affect me in the way which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love and relish
the love and admiration from the crowd, which is something I totally
admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you. Anyone of you. It simply
isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to pull people
off by faking it, and pretending as if I'm having one 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as though
I have a punch in time clock before I walk out on-stage. I've tried everything within
my power to appreciate it (and I do, God, believe me I do, but it's not enough.)
I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. I must
be one of those narcisists who only appreciate things when they're alone.
I'm too sensitive, I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasm I had
as a child. On our last 3 tours, I've had a much better appreciation of
all the people I've known personally, and as fans of our music, but I still can't get out
the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There's good in all of us, and I
simply love people too much. So much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad, little,
sensitive, unappreciative, pisces, Jesus man! Why don't you just enjoy it? I don't know!
I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy, and a daughter who reminds me too
much of what I used to be. full of love and joy, passing every person she meets because
everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely
function. I cant stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable self destructive,
deathrocker that I've become. I have it Good. Very Good. and I'm greateful, but since the age
of seven, I've become hateful towards all humans in general.. Only because it seems so
easy for people to get along and have empathy. Empathy! only because I love and feel for
people too much I guess. Thank you from the pit of my burning nauseous stomach
for your letters and concern during the past years. I'm too much of a neurotic, moody
person and I don't have the passion anymore and so remember, it's better to burn out, than to
fade away.    Peace, love,   Empathy,   Kurt Cobain
Please keep going Courtney. =)
for Frances
for her life which will be so much happier
without me...   I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU